Photo courtesy of author.
I thought I had read all the parenting books, but nothing quite prepared me for the tumultuous days of " When your little one is three but acts like a teenager.
That tiny boss screaming and crying in a public toilet: “I WANT MUMMY TO WIPE MY BUTT! WIPE! MY! BUTT!” It seems hilarious now, but I didn’t find it funny then.
In my experience, this golden age may start from about 18 months and last all the way until age four or beyond. It is a time of real testing for parents, but I believe that if you persist in guiding your child, it will bear fruit.
The personalities of each parent and child are so different, and each parent-child relationship varies so widely that not all advice can be applied wholesale.
A gentle, sensitive child may only need to be chided, while a strong-willed one may need more forceful, firm parenting. Nonetheless, I’d like to share some lessons I’ve learnt along the way.
TRAINING FOR THE BEHAVIOUR YOU WANT
Discipline does not always equate to punishment. It should be thought of as training a child in the way he or she should go.
For a young child, that could look like the following scenarios:
- “We pack up toys after playing."
- “Let’s clean up if we’ve made a mess.”
- “Say please and thank you!”
- “We speak kindly and respectfully to one another.”
- “We help others."
- Any positive reinforcement of whatever you want your child to do, not just avoid.
HAVING RULES AND BOUNDARIES
Rules and boundaries may sound very limiting in this age, but just as traffic lights prevent cars from colliding and fences demarcate territories, they are absolutely essential in keeping our children safe and us parents, sane.
It is never too early to begin establishing healthy boundaries. This would look like not allowing kids to watch TV while having meals from young, or to institute early bedtimes and a regular schedule from birth.
For a baby six months to a year plus, we can set up a safe place for baby to roam in.
A play pen or yard can be an excellent way to allow baby to explore freely, away from dangerous items such as electrical sockets and sharp objects.
The boundary grows with the child. As they grow in their ability to navigate their environment, we can expand their space to roam.
The timer is my best friend. “Five more minutes” is ruled by the clock, not Mum’s whims and fancies, or the child’s ability to negotiate.
Consistent use of the timer has helped my kids and me keep to schedule. They know that I mean what I say.
“We are leaving in five minutes” means Mummy is out of the door, and if you don’t catch up, you will get left behind. (If they still don’t want to follow, at this age, they are still small enough to be carried off, thankfully.)
Some other boundaries may look like these:
- “No hitting, only gentle touch.”
- “No spitting or biting.”
- “Bedrooms are for sleeping, not eating”.
Photo taken in collaboration with Ang Wei Ming, featuring one of our Parentwise families
ESTABLISHING VALUES
Beyond just household rules, rules and boundaries can also translate to values and beliefs.
For household rules, my children are usually given some leeway if they break them – for example, if they make a mess on the floor.
However, we quickly mete out consequences if they go against our family values and beliefs. For example, truth-telling may be a family value that is important to you.
I often find myself saying, “If you tell me the truth, you won’t get punished. When you lie, it hurts our relationship and breaks trust”.
On the other hand, I take a very different approach when they forget to clear their plates after a meal, gently reminding them that “we place dirty dishes in the sink”.
One is related to morality, the other is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. So I would have consequences for one, but may allow some lapses for the other.
After gentle reminders each time, my kids would automatically form a good habit of clearing their own plates. The same approach is unlikely to yield the same results when values are compromised, which is why we try to deal with such issues firmly and swiftly.
Photo taken in collaboration with Ang Wei Ming, featuring one of our Parentwise families
From my kids’ preschool teachers, I’ve learnt to avoid saying just what my child should not do (negative example), but what I would like them to do (positive example).
For example, teachers say “walking feet” rather than “don’t run”. This can be applied to many parenting examples.
It helps to catch your child when they are in the middle of a positive action and praise them for it, such as “it was good when you shared toys with your brother”.
There was a time when our family had a “Saying Thank You” competition, where we would say “thank you for saying ‘thank you’”, or “thank you for saying ‘you’re welcome’”.
In our parenting, we do allow our children to seek some compromise or make appeals. For example: “Please Mummy, can I watch five more minutes of TV?”.
However, there’s a distinction between what is negotiable and non-negotiable. We try to apply compromise sparingly.
After a few experiences negotiating with my pint-sized dictator, I have learnt to demarcate what is non-negotiable by saying, “This is final. You have to listen.”
SETTING A ROUTINE
I cannot emphasise how a routine has helped us navigate our days. Even with a rough schedule, children know what’s coming and find it easier to handle their day. Parents will too.
I have found that by keeping to a timetable, we all know what to expect and there is far less opposition in getting children to do what is good for them.
For example, my kids know they have to bathe after they return from school, finish their homework and piano practice before watching TV.
We also try to swim as a form of exercise for the family once a week, and set aside playground time every evening.
Establishing a routine is difficult initially, especially when it gets disrupted during the holidays and we have to restart again with the beginning of each school term.
But while it may be tiring to maintain a schedule, consistency and routine are key in providing a healthy, secure environment for young children.
In Part Two of this article, I will share more about how we use creativity to parent our children in encouraging them in the way they should go.
Sophia Huang is a mother of three, copy editor and children’s book author. She believes that children learn best through play and should spend as much time as possible outdoors. She is passionate about upcycling trash into toys for children and records her journey at Nature Playtime and Craftcycle For Kids on Facebook and Instagram.
Part Two of this article will be published at a later date.
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