Having watched the trailer for Fatherhood, Netflix's Father's Day offering that casts funny man Kevin Hart in a role quite unlike his usual repertoire, I’ve decided that when it does come out this weekend, it’s going to be a hard pass for me.

I mean, if just the 3-minute trailer alone was sufficient to have me sobbing like a baby, then surely the full movie will have me dying of dehydration from all the tears. (Full disclosure: I cried every one of the six times I watched Finding Nemo, which is also about a dad.)

In Fatherhood, Kevin Hart shows incredible acting range as a hapless single dad, Matthew Logelin, who’s determined to raise his daughter against all odds when his wife passes away soon after childbirth.

From the trailer, it promises plenty of heartwarming (read: tear-jerking) moments showcasing daddy-daughter bonding as his little girl, Madeline, grows up.

But what really hit me hard was a line that Matthew says to baby Madeline: "If you could have only one parent, I wish you could’ve had your mum. Because she would’ve been better at it.”

That pretty much sums up all the daddy-insecurity I feel on the inside. As Papa to a 10-year-old and an 8-year-old, I still find myself struggling with this incredible thing called “parenthood” on any given day, even though I’ve had at least a decade of experience as a dad.

This probably won’t do much for my credentials as any sort of parent-coach, but the truth is, even on the good days, I’m wondering what I've done right.

There are reasons for this insecurity. Firstly, the expectation that society in general has on dads today is weighty. Besides needing to bring home the bacon, dads are now also expected to be 100% present at home and with the kids.

Changing diapers, helping with homework, doing the dishes – these are part of the programme for men today. Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t a complaint. Parenting is a shared responsibility and joy.

But research has found that this unspoken expectation that's being placed on fathers is taking a toll on their mental health.

A survey taken by Focus on the Family Singapore during the Circuit Breaker period last year showed that a large percentage of fathers were experiencing a phenomenon known as “dad guilt”, where fathers feel bad for not spending as much time with their kids as they would like to.

So while many of the fathers surveyed, most of them working from home, felt that they grew closer to their children during this time, some also wished that they could have done more.

It's a narrative I've heard too often from my own dad friends. And the crushing weight of feeling like we need to excel in both the work and home fronts can result in only one outcome: fathers will never feel like they are enough.

The second, more insidious reason why daddy-insecurity plagues many men today is the stereotype of mums often seen as the multitasking superwomen who hold the family and household together, while dads are often portrayed as the ones who struggle with parenthood and can't take out the trash without being reminded at least three times.

I was in a conversation with a fellow dad the other day, when he suddenly realised he had forgotten to sign his kids up for a holiday programme. This was followed by a second realisation that his wife had actually already done so, and thus averting disaster.

“That’s why I’m not in charge of admin,” he said, laughing.

“It’s okay, we do other important things as dads too,” I replied.

“Yes,” he agreed. “I’ll get back to you when I can think of an example.”

While he probably meant that as a joke, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pain at that self-deprecating put-down.

For us dads, it can sometimes seem like we’re only good at barbecuing meats, drinking beer, throwing the kids into the air and, once in a while, playing the hero when the dreaded cockroach or lizard appears.

For everything else, well, there’s Mum. Funnily enough, I once had a nightmare where my wife died and I panicked because I didn’t know how to braid my daughter’s hair for school.

So, back to that line in the Fatherhood trailer. If you could have only one parent, I wish you could’ve had your mum.

The truth is, dads do feel like Mummy is the better parent – a high bar we could never reach and, so it seems, never meant to because we just can't.

All of these feed into the deep sense of insecurity that we feel when we try to do our best at this “daddy” thing.

But, perhaps, the triggers for our self-doubt are also the antidote for our insecurity.

The expectation for men to do well at the office and at home is not going away anytime soon, and it shouldn’t. Parenting, as I said earlier, was always meant to be a shared responsibility and joy.

The more we learn to embrace that, the more we learn to find that balance between the two realms of "Dad" and "Mum" – what works best for us.

As for our ability to parent as well as Mum – could it be that we were never supposed to anyway?

Perhaps the most liberating thought that dads could think is this: I’m not Mum.

We fulfil a completely different role and responsibility than our spouse when it comes to parenthood.

Perhaps we’re not made to remember exactly where everything in the house is, but we are supposed to throw our kids in the air (and catch them).

Maybe we don't have to be able to plan the entire week’s meal plan, but we are supposed to protect the family when the roaches invade.

And maybe Dad’s responsibility is simply teaching the kids how to get a proper barbecue going, and searing perfectly medium-rare steaks.

I had this epiphany one night while tucking my older boy into bed.

It had been a lazy evening after a long and draining day, and I had earlier sat down to play a rare board game with him. Truth be told, I didn’t even feel like I enjoyed the game. It was, to me, just something I did to pass the time with him.

As I leaned over to give him his nightly hug, he smiled at me and said, “Thanks, Papa.”

Why the sudden gratitude? I wondered.

He continued, “Thanks for playing with me tonight. That was the highlight of my day.”

And with that, he closed his eyes and, still smiling, drifted off to sleep.

It was in that moment that I realised that I didn’t need to be Mum in order to be a good parent.

I just need to be Dad.

Elvin is the founder and director of The Treasure Box Singapore, which equips and supports families on their life journeys. He has been married to his beautiful wife Esther for 13 years, and is proud Papa to two annoyingly cute kids.

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